he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church