I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.