Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
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{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I have so many questions.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account