Hamburglar search history:
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• countries that don’t extradite
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My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.