We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
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“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.