I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
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Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.