Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
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“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*