I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
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ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it