I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
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My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I wish I could veto my bills.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.