I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
men are simple creatures
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?