If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Ain’t no way
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT