Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
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This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.