The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
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Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job