DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
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11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.