A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
You Might Also Like
Goat cheese is for herders.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think