[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
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Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.