Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
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Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
This cat wants you to take your pills
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid