No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
You Might Also Like
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer