The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
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Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Me irl
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.