self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
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[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.