Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
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For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Tremendous stuff
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
The smoothest fall of all time
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….