Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
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Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.