I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
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Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits