Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
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Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.