Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
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i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Oh yeah that’s it
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
you gotta be faster
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32