NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
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Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above