The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
That’s what I call a flat tire
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
A Short Story.