Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
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Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.