RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that