My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Me trying to look natural in photos
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’