Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’