While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
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*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.