one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I am, perchance
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
5 ways to appear taller
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!