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Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
marvel comics have peaked
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?