I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
You Might Also Like
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Welcome
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“Wait, let me explain..”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Basketball
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no