WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
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I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
#DesignFail
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
no regrets
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*