Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
happy mother’s day❤️
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while