Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
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On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
my nickname in college
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
when there are deer in the woods
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.