My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
🤣
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?