Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I think my mom just blocked me
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.