My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
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Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.