Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
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*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Before & after 😅
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Britain be like
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti