HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
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I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I cannot call her anything else now