wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
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So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Who does Amazon think I am?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.