when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
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Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Big Sex has us all fooled
where the womens at?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”