I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
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My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Ain’t no way
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.