GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
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I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less