Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
What fresh Hell is this?!?
He took my last fry, your honor
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
181.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.