[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
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Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
They also CAN sing✌️