No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning